Many Moons...

Ago I found myself writing here. I don't know what happened. I lost my words. I got stuck. I'm hoping I'm unstuck.

I got busy. I got careless. I stopped thinking and feeling and just stayed in one place. It's not so hard to do. Look around you. Many people are "stuck" and they don't even know it. I've known and lived with one of the most severely "stuck" people you can ever imagine. And, I'm so relieved we've severed most of our ties. Let me stress MOST though. There's always the final tie that binds and I have continued to let that tie bind me to him. Oh, it's no one's fault but my own. It's a matter of old habits dying hard. I don't quite know how NOT to be the person I was when I was around him when I encounter him.

Let me digress: When I am free of his presence, which is most of my life, I am ME. The ME I have re-discovered. I am free, peaceful, grounded, comforted, reflective, and honest. I have worked hard to recapture my true self, my soul. Then, I encounter Mr. Stuck and it's goodbye ME, hello m.e.

And, before I knew it, he was rummaging and pillaging and robbing me blind again, but this time so insidiously that I didn't catch it. Then recently, I woke up and saw what was gone (again). I don't think I can just get it all back; I have to start over. And it's going to continue to be a battle.

I'm looking for a really good safe right now.

Starting A-New

I have been thinking about renaming and relaunching this blog. Why, though? Why take the time and obliterate the growth I have done along the way. That's what digging for buried treasure is all about...the adventure of finding the jewels, and along the way, finding other things. I want to believe I'm moving forward, but sometimes I think I'm just moving side to side. Not backward, but side to side. Going nowhere. At least backward is going somewhere! I know I think too much, but how do I just ACT. ACTing is being courageous and strong and READY. It's like jumping off a cliff.

Last night I had a dream about jumping off the Grand Canyon and floating right down to the bottom. It was so peaceful! So, let's analyze that...let go, be free, take risks, open your arms/heart, nurture hopes and dreams, provide comfort.

CAN I DO THIS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

In the Land of Women

I just watched this fabulous movie. It was In the Land of Women, and hence the title of this blog entry. It was funny in a very dry sort of way, just like I feel life is. It was poetic, because one of the main characters was a writer. It was comforting because there was a lot of love. It was about a man who found himself in a world of women. And, for a time, this man felt the strength and warmth that women surround themselves with every day when they bond with each other. An experience this man shall never forget and always be thankful for. He's a hero. My hero.

Heroes

Who is your hero? Not just someone you admire, but someone you respect and want to spend time with. My hero is out there, but right now, my heart is empty. And, closed. I work every day on opening myself up to love and its adventures, and every day, I change my list of what love looks like to me. The obvious: Tall, dark and handsome. The not so obvious: Thoughtful, kind, compassionate, honest, funny, faithful, spiritual, wise and strong. Really, I want to share my life with someone who is my best friend. Do you think this is possible to find? Or, am I looking for the impossible?

What If?

What if you were going down a road at a safe and steady speed, when, bam!, you were hit broadside by another vehicle? What if your car was turned 180 degrees, yet you were unhurt? Would this be your wake-up call? And what exactly is a wake-up call? I think a wake-up call is the epitome of "what if's." What if this and that and that and this??????????? Each one of us is given a life and then we've got to decide how to live it. I believe the puppeteer is God, but I also believe in free will. Pretty deep, huh? Like, for years, I believe God wants me to follow a certain path, but there are those who throw themselves into the fray of my life. The pathos. I'm now on an entirely different path. I commit myself and then realize my commitment was not honored. What I signed on for, the mission has been aborted. Sometimes, we only see what we want to. We see what is within our realm. To look outside, now, that's talent. Only the most talented will ever understand that our existence is dependent upon the exchange of night and day. Day is bright and perfect and happy; night is dark and mysterious and passive.

Love

It's been a long time. A difficult road for me, an uphill journey. I thought I had lost myself forever, but I think I have found "me" again. I'm excited; I'm scared. I thought I had lost the ability to love and I thought I had lost my innocence (my ability to hope, trust and dream). But, something I've learned is that loving myself is the place to start. I'm beginning a new chapter in my life now and I see how any one of us can become scared, but it's one step at a time. If I love myself, if I'm good to myself, I create the space for others to love me. I'm learning that real love is not born of need, but of a wanting to give and receive. There are many people in my life whom I love. I'm surrounded by "my people"...friends and family who are my true heroes, my lifelines, and I cannot express adequately in words just how much I appreciate their very presence and existence.

My people--I love you all very much!!!! If I could reach out and touch you all right now, many hugs and kisses would be going around.

Innocence

When was the first time you lost yours? The first time a dream didn't come true? Your heart was broken? You realized that some people are just mean to the bone? Do we ever really loose our innocence? I would like to believe that we hang onto it, at least a little bit. If you've ever worked with children, you can see the erosion of their innocence. Compare a first grader with a 7th grader...they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The world is fresh and alive, each day a new discovery for a six year old. A twelve year old, on the other hand, has attitude and skepticism. They look at adults and authority figures as if they are crazy. Their knowledge comes from peers. But, then we grow and change. We become adults ourselves. And, we look for innocence again. What is a wedding, if not hope and innocence being reborn? We hope to join our life and love with someone 'til death do us part, and we maintain the innocence that that task will not be an arduous adventure. The same is true of children. We go into the idea and creation of family with the innocence of a baby. If not, whom would ever choose to have children? The work is incredible; the reward a long way off...18 years of blood, sweat and tears. The work of creating a family is the same...we join our life with another to make a family and along the way we often find out we have grown into very different people who don't believe in the same idea of family. This has left me bereft. I've lost my innocence, which was always my ability to hope and trust and dream.