Innocence

When was the first time you lost yours? The first time a dream didn't come true? Your heart was broken? You realized that some people are just mean to the bone? Do we ever really loose our innocence? I would like to believe that we hang onto it, at least a little bit. If you've ever worked with children, you can see the erosion of their innocence. Compare a first grader with a 7th grader...they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The world is fresh and alive, each day a new discovery for a six year old. A twelve year old, on the other hand, has attitude and skepticism. They look at adults and authority figures as if they are crazy. Their knowledge comes from peers. But, then we grow and change. We become adults ourselves. And, we look for innocence again. What is a wedding, if not hope and innocence being reborn? We hope to join our life and love with someone 'til death do us part, and we maintain the innocence that that task will not be an arduous adventure. The same is true of children. We go into the idea and creation of family with the innocence of a baby. If not, whom would ever choose to have children? The work is incredible; the reward a long way off...18 years of blood, sweat and tears. The work of creating a family is the same...we join our life with another to make a family and along the way we often find out we have grown into very different people who don't believe in the same idea of family. This has left me bereft. I've lost my innocence, which was always my ability to hope and trust and dream.

Storms

Two nights ago, storms ripped through here. And, I do mean "ripped through here" literally. Lots of downed trees and branches. In my yard, I lost quite a few large branches. Anyway, it was frightening. The lashing wind and rain, the hail, the thunder and lightning. I say frightening from the perspective of health and safety. I wasn't scared of the storm per se; just scared that my roof might cave in, the basement might flood and I might loose power. The storm itself was fascinating. It was nature beating us to a bloody pulp. It was aggression and anger and in the end, it was calm. All of us, at some time or another, feel a storm inside. Whether or not we acknowledge our storms is yet another matter. I would love to huff and howl and thunder and lightning and hail as a means to calm my inner storm. This is not acceptable behavior, though, the release of rage through violence. So, instead, I usually push my feelings aside and once in a great while, I explode. It's usually the littlest thing that sets me off, but it's a chain reaction. All the bad and dirty and stinky feelings I have had for months come tumbling out. I'm working on ways to curb this. I have never been good at taking care of myself emotionally. I need to exercise at least 3 -4 times a week and I need to eat a healthy diet and I need to drink lots of water and I need sleep. I also need love and laughter. Emotionally, I am very in-touch with my feelings, but often have a hard time managing them, working through issues and being honest. I need courage and fortitude to do this. I also need to accept that everyone's mind does not work like mine. And, because of this, I need to manage me, and only me.

I just finished spinning this morning with my favorite instructor, Dawn. We rode down the California coast. I love her verbal simulations. We rode through sun and rain, up hills and down. And, all the while I was riding, I was thinking of my storm and pushing through it. You don't always need words to figure things out. And, this is what I'm learning from Mother Nature's storms.

Sleep

Why is that the nights when sleep seems most elusive are followed by a very busy day? I spent most of last night tossing and turning, sweating and then shivering with the chills. No, I wasn't sick. Just a bad case of sleeplessness. One of those nights where you think you're asleep and then you realize you're really not. Or, one of those nights when you think you're awake and realize you're really asleep. Either way, it amounts to frustration. Every noise, every movement and I was sitting bolt upright. I had a glass of red wine an hour or two before bed, but other than that, no drugs or alcohol which would have inhibited my state of restfulness. This morning I felt like a character out of Night of the Living Dead. I had some important errands and two appointments and I felt like a sleepwalker.

I have been thinking back on my dreams/nightmares today. I'd just be settling down for sleep and then I would think I was awake and having a very bad day. Oh, but wait! Just a dream! But, the kind of dream that seems so real it takes a moment or two to shake off and then minutes to drift back to sleep...and, bam!, another real-life nightmare. I've had a queasy stomach and as much as I cannot wait to go to bed, I'm hoping and praying for a peace-filled slumber. I'm going to shoot for my driving dream and I'm going to run right over all my anxieties!

Movies

I saw a great movie recently. Actually, more than 2 months ago, but it has stayed with me. It was very intense in theme and meaning. The movie was A History of Violence. Upon first view, I felt that the movie was about a family in transition after a terrible secret was revealed about one of its members. Upon further reflection, I saw it as a movie about growth and change. About how the most healthy of us continue to grow and change throughout our lives, sometimes completely reinventing ourselves. But deep down inside, aren't we all the same person we started out being at the core? We can put on many masks and facades, but inside isn't our soul crying out for us to be true to our real selves, thus facilitating reinvention?

One of the main characters in this film decided he wanted to change his life many years ago, so he made a drastic turn, disappearing and re-making himself into a whole new man. There was a catalyst for change and I feel that was his dissatisfaction with his life's direction all those years ago. He keeps his past a secret from his wife. And, when she finds out he assumes that the marriage is over. But, she's got more strength than he knew. For, in finding out whom he really is, she is finding out that she's not really who she thought she was either. The movie ends with a beginning. The beginning of a new relationship between them, one made of truth and deeper meaning.

I keep thinking of this film because sometimes the world seems so black and white. People are unhappy and they feel they have so little options except to throw in the towel. They have certain expectations of those that love them, certain beliefs and feelings that may or may not be founded in reality. I feel that reality isn't black or white, it's somewhere in between and that when we decide to take a risk we may be pleasantly surprised. But, risk taking is something many people aren't good at. I can say that I'm not. Risks involve letting go of control, as my wise cousin says and letting go of control means that you are leaving your fate to the destinies. How much control do we really have anyway? Isn't our fate up to destiny? And, really the only control that we have is over ourselves. I know that I don't want to look back at my life and see regrets. Chances I had to make changes and instead I quit. I want to take risks; I want to live. And, I want to teach that to my children.